失戀那件小事

其實,在兩年前的今天,我失戀了。

還記得那時一個人在納閩,開學之際,又要應付心理上的問題,根本一根蠟燭兩頭燒。但是唯一幸運的是,剛開學,還沒有一堆大大小小的assignment。

會發這篇東西不是因為想念前男友or what so ever。而是最近我在follow的一個Youtuber失戀了,才讓我想發這篇東西討論失戀這個東西。

失戀,說大事,其實不是多大的事;說小事,可是對當事人卻又不是小事。說真的,當年失戀的感覺,還歷歷在目,那種快死掉,不,比死還難受的感覺,我還記得。我不敢忘記,我要告訴我自己,這個就是失戀的感覺,這次經歷了,有下次的話一定還能挺過來。

失戀時,會感覺天快塌下來,會一直想我為什麼死不了。可是我沒自殺的勇氣,有想法沒勇氣,另一方面是,我的理智一直在拉著我,和我的感性玩拔河,上演劇烈的拉鋸戰。每天的生活就是哭,哭累了睡,睡醒了哭。完全不覺得口渴,不覺得餓。哭就飽了。被拉去一起吃飯,很勉強地吃兩口,就完全吃不下了。那時要上課,人在課室,心不知道在哪裡。路上遇到學姐慰問、安慰,會止不住眼淚,直接在她們面前哭。事後聽學姐形容的說法是,一個平常瘋瘋癲癲完全女漢子的女生突然樣子憔悴沒精神。完全不想踏出房間一步,只想躲在窩裡哭。

我還記得那時,我忍不住了,打電話回家給媽媽。對著媽媽狂哭,哭累了就聽媽媽安慰我,有力氣了再繼續哭。有時一個小時多的電話,95%是我媽媽聽我哭。然後電話一天照三餐打,每通電話90%及以上是我媽默默聽我哭。有時媽媽在忙,也不會掛我電戶,也不覺得我煩。那時情況稍微好一點點時,我還會找不同的朋友聊天,分散注意力。

這些現在說回去想回去,不痛不癢,但是我不會忘記,也不想忘記。我把這段記憶深深地記在腦子裡,可以告訴我,即使我多麼難受,我還是挺得過來。也是這一段記憶,讓我明白了失戀的感覺。我偶爾還會回想,然後慢慢思考各種細節。發現,在面對失戀時,有些東西很重要。

一,理智

我本來想發發洩在前,可是我覺得,理智應該優先。不管做什麼,都不要讓感性take over,而是應該以理智建立圍牆,設置一個boundary,一個限度。就是不管要怎樣,都不可以超過那個boundary。很多人失戀了自殺,都是因為理智不強,被感性佔據了腦子。我當時失戀時,給自己的限度是,不管怎麼樣,都不可以做傷及人身的事,不管是自己還是別人,都不可以。像上面提到的,我曾經想死,可是幸好被理智拉住。不管怎麼樣,理智一定、必需是比較大的那個。

二,發洩

其實,不好的情緒一直累積,有百害而無一益。很多人會覺得,失戀罷了怎麼要生要死。刀不割自己的肉,當然不覺得痛!我說發洩,不是毫無理智的亂發神經,而是必需以理智為優先。你可以找你最有安全感,或是最能放心做自己的私人事情的地方,僅管想念儘管哭,想怎麼哭怎麼想念都用盡全力去做,不要忍。到比較後期時,你已經宣洩到無力了,可是每每想起來心裡還是會覺得難受,這時你可以做些能分散你注意了的事,以理智為前提的任何事,但當你情緒上來想哭時,儘管哭。當時比較後階段是我的現任男友在陪我聊天,幾乎24小時。

三,時間

很多人都會習慣性地「早日康復」、「快點好起來」作為打氣鼓勵。雖然是好意,可是不必要的話可以不需要講,不必要個關注也不需要給。失戀者本身也別急著好起來,太快好起來的代價就是一堆有的沒的壓抑在心裡,會導致你復原的更慢。人,需要的是復原的好,而不是復原的快。這種事情上,沒必要去心急,要快。我記得那時,因為開學了,我覺得自己還無法上課,就缺席了幾堂課,過後才寫請假信補交給講師。我深深體會到,失戀了,想要真正的療癒,不是忘記,而是克服。克服是需要時間和空間去面對。正視它,才能克服它。唯有克服才能忘記,強迫自己忘記,是行不通的。

四,父母朋友

永遠不要忘記你還有父母和朋友會支持你,會心疼你。如果理智hold不住了,想想他們。在比較後階段,哭的次數和頻密度比較少時,可以選擇找朋友聊天,前提是她們有空時。有件事我不得不提,我當時是有室友的,而我失戀沒幾天她就回學校了(前面說到,是因為開學了),她看我這樣子,沒給予我過多的問候打擾,大多時間都是去找她的朋友,這點我很感謝也覺得幸運。其實剛失戀的人比起過多的安慰陪伴,更需要私人空間和時間,來調整自己。在能確定失戀者的安全的前提下,周圍的人可以不必給予過多的陪伴。像我上面提到的,失戀者需要時間和空間。然而失戀者可以以家人朋友為精神支柱,在理智的牆快瓦解之際,想想父母和朋友。為了一個不愛你的人放棄一群愛你的人,怎麼算都不值得。而且在你難受時,他們是那些一直在精神上支持你關心你的人。
當然,以上只是我個人經驗、體驗和收穫,不代表每個人適用。但唯一不變也不假的是,理智必需優先。

共勉之

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070515

This is just a simple and random post which I wanna talk something right now but it is too late to get someone to chat with me.

Currently busying with my assignments and presentations and owhmyf*ckinggawd final exam is coming soon.

I found my boyfie super lovely.

First, he will answer my call, even it is very late at night and he is still asleep.

Second, he will try to get me everything I want.

Third, he can read my mind. Well, he got this skill when we’re newly date and IT’S SURPRISING when he knows what I am thinking. It means that he knows me totally.

Fourth, he will get angry when I don’t eat and sleep.

Fifth, he will get bring jacket automatically when we’re going to somewhere cold.

Sixth, he don’t like me being stared by others even if it’s his friends.

Seventh, he trusts me enough until allow me to let me dance to couple dance with other guy.

Eighth, I love his hug so I love hugging him. It makes me feel so safe, secure and calm. I just love his body size, suit me well enough. I found I will easily fall asleep in his arms. Too comfy.

Ninth, he will really bring me everywhere he goes. He will never left me in school while going somewhere else.

Tenth,…..

Eleventh…..

Twelveth……..

Thirte…….

……..

……..

……..

*There are still many many things I love about him that I unable to state out all or this will be a never-finish-writing post*

LASTLY,

I accidentally found that, HE WILL STALK ME BLOG!!!

Owh my gosh!!!! I don’t know what to describe this feeling, anxious? exciting? happy? worry?

I just don’t know but it’s cute to find your boyfie will stay updated to everything regarding you, isn’t it?

Why I feel so surprised it’s because NEVER a boyfie of mine will stay updated to everything of me(I mean those ex-es), even already knowing I have blog. Some of them are just too lazy to care their girlfie, and this makes it looks like mission impossible to get a boyfie who have the characteristics like mine. He will stay accompanying me when I am having dance practice even he’s not dancing. He will just sit there alone, doing his own things while waiting me. It just like, I can get him into my eye sight anytime. I love this feeling.

Okay it’s already late and I’m going to sleep. Bet he will get annoyed when finding me still writing blog post at this time.

Goodnight.

Finally putting his first face on my blog, not sure how will he react when he finds this out xD
Finally putting his first face on my blog, not sure how will he react when he finds this out xD

230415

It’s been a long time since my last update. I feel like wanna just abandon my blogger site LOL. I was just so lazy to update the both site( =P ) which I actually wanna update a lot products review. No excuses. Just lazy. Between these days, there were kinda lot of things happened, the biggest change will be my relationship. No, I am not a mommy or mommy-to-be LOL. Yet, I am still in relationship. Story will be shared later on.

I was thinking about that, what title should I put for this post. I had no idea cause it seems like every words cannot really fit this post well. So, I put the date as title, as my diary.

I wondered, how long should the time be to heal a person from a broken relationship. Everyone needs different length of time. I can’t even ensure how long will my period be.

And, how long is the time should a person stay in being single after a broken relationship. Western and Eastern have different concept. For western, it doesn’t matter how long should it be. It seems like you can got dumped today and get a new boyfie/girlfie the next day. While in Eastern, people think that you shouldn’t get into a new relationship so fast cause it spoilt the image and make yourself a jerk/slut in others’ eyes.

Excuse me. The matter should be, how am I actually is, not how people think who I am. You can never satisfy everyone.

When I was in form 6, which is pre-university level, in Malaysia, I got a boyfie, just call him K, who was my schoolmate, and no longer soon after he got his offer from Matriculation college. It was a long distance relationship when we started. We’d been together just 6 months long, and fights and quarrels were much more than the happy time. I was just to care about him and to scare to lose him. For me, he was too close with his girl friends over there in his college life. I thought there should be a gap between a guy and other girls when he is in relationship. I felt so insecure, and over-sensitive towards everything regards him. It was so pain in me and until I even cried in class. It took me 3 months to got healed from the pain.

After 3 months, which is the time I took to heal myself, after breaking up with K, I dated V. After the relationship turned public in my facebook. K’s friend inbox me in facebook and complained about me for being too fast to get into a new relationship. Is it counted as fast to take 3 months before getting into a new relationship? Honestly, I don’t feel so. From my mind, you can get into a new relationship anytime when you are completely ready for it. K’s friend said that he was secretly admire a girl,who he failed when he confessed to her, for a year long already. Hey stupid, stop being silly, you’re not being so-called loyal, but silly and stupid okay? And you’re turning into moron when you came over to complaining me on the matter!

Well, back to my story, even there’re a lot fights between me and V, I loved him. That’s why I able to keep in with him for 2 years long. People who know everything among me and V will really give me a huge and great prize for being so great cause it is impossible for other girls who have just a little rational in mind, to stay in for so long. I felt I’m great too LOL. I guess my followers know who V is, yes, the one who appeared in my blogger site, and the one who I was crazily in love before. No longer NOW. We’re breaking up around 2 months ago. I was really painful and nearly broken down after breaking up with V.

I am in single state now, right? But why I said I’m in relationship?

After breaking up with V, I got to know my current boyfie, T. He is my uni-mate, same age, same horoscope. He is the one who was there when I was helpless and drown in the sea of pain. I healed very fast, because of him. And we both feel the same way, which is our personalities just fit each others’ so well, within those days of my way of healing. We fall into each other. It took me not even a month to heal myself from a broken 2-year-long-relationship. I was feeling WOW as well. All because there’s C be my side when I was feeling in hell. I love his height and it does fit mine, as what my ideal boyfie’s height is ( =P ). He is a sweet guy who really good in taking care of his girlfie.

So, you know, 6 months-3month-2 years-not even one month long-current, even the same person can never have the fixed time in his/her healing way. Then, why judge others’ way?

I never told about my blog to C, because it is very long time since my last post, yet I was once think of stop my blogging work. A few days before, I opened both my blogger blog and this site, and showed me. I was so surprised on that how he found my blogs as I said, I didn’t update for so long so it’s been months my blogs’ sites not appearing on my facebook wall. Later then after asking, he said that he got to know that I have blog through the information on my facebook, and keep scrolling down on  my timeline just to seek for my blog site LOL.

This semester is a harsh and busy semester, I quite Whatever Crew, and join the other now, who is less stressful and less shitty people. Will having performance and competition soon, which is 2 weeks to go and 1 weeks to go respectively. Some assignments to be rushed for and final exam is around the corner, everything is packed. DUH……

I am trying to turn into a fully lifestyle blogger which is more causal, but not a beauty blogger which I have to keep posting reviews to keep the viewing rate and gain followers. Somehow, it doesn’t mean I will stop posting beauty stuff, as lifestyle blogger share everything!